Mountains

Today has been one of those days. I feel there is a mountain rising tall before me -- an insurmountable mountain. I feel a huge need to communicate with that great void out there...if only someone is listening...

It is a mountain of people with challenges. Challenges that defy solving by the people facing them. Seems that every person around me -- familywise -- has a challenge that seems overwhelming and without solution. I never thought of myself as anyone people would turn to, but apparently I am. I seem to be the repository of everyone's personal heartbreaks, frustrations, overwhelming circumstances. I don't feel I can ever give counsel that helps relieve them any at all. Today, I feel like it's all come to me and there is no one to bolster me up, counsel me, support me in all the challenges of the people I profess to love and care about. And where am I? I feel lost in the shuffle. And the mountain looms so large...

I look around me at Church and I wonder if the young couples (and some of the older couples) who are so very much in love and adore their children (where they have them) -- do they know what they have? They have friendship. They can talk with one another about anything. They have the other's support -- not just financial, but emotional and spiritual. They have fun together. They are considerate, and kind, and thoughtful -- often going out of their way to do something special for the other. Oh -- what would I know of what they have? It just looks like that from the outside looking in...

I picked up a thought today during testimonies. 'You don't need to fear death -- IF you are living righteously.' I sometimes fear death is more imminent than I ever thought possible. Comes from age and health. But I'm not where I want to be! I want to have that house of order.... I want to DO the things I KNOW to do...

Another thought expressed was that we should stand up for truth and right no matter the circumstances. Some people have and they suffer certain consequences. I've never known what to say. Sometimes I've said the wrong thing. Maybe I've just picked the wrong person to say it to. My friends outside the Church have never heard me say anything at all about it. Well, I did invite them to the big musical a couple years ago and three of the four were able to come. My brother came. And my son. It was rewarding to sing with my granddaughter and daughter. I believed in the music. I guess that showed in the invitation. Maybe I need to find the music in the Gospel so I can extend an invitation I believe in...

Then there was the thought in the book I finished yesterday. "The greatest pain of most trials is uncertainty. To free ourselves of pain we must first submit to it." (Richard Paul Evans in Grace, 2008) It's theme basically is that we must stand up for truth and right no matter what; about giving friendship to those who are desperate for it. This is really what today has been about. All these people who frequent our home have pain in their lives. Any of us who don't like the pain cannot remain in denial of the pain all the while being very able to express anger and feel the overwhelming fear of how are they going to deal with tomorrow. To become free -- the pain -- and the hurt -- must be faced. Facing the pain and the hurt means just one thing -- there will be a lot of tears. People are afraid to cry. It is easier to yell and scream about the unfairness of life. I cried today. My therapy is writing.

How will I ever be able to convince the others to cry in our midst where we can comfort them through their pain so that they may be healed...

There was one other thing I heard today in the last hour. -- There are those people who carry life with them in their countenances and people flock around them and become friends. Unlike those who sit back and are miserable and nobody wants to be around them. -- Please consider another thought. Twila said in a testimony years ago that there were two kinds of people -- those who were loved as children and those who weren't. She proceeded to tell how grateful she was that she was one of the ones who were loved. She was outgoing and seemed to like everybody and they liked her in turn. I remember my thought about the two kinds of people -- I was one of the others.... It leaves an indelible impression in a child's mind and heart to feel unloved and they become very shy and reserved and untrusting of the world around them. Without some significant person to change that feeling, these children grow to be adults who appear miserable and people repellers. As if they needed more rejection. Sometimes circumstances outweigh their desire to rise above their past and walk in the light of love and outgoingness that beckons others to come...

I'm not a bad person. I'm just one of those who doesn't go around smiling all the time. I need to be loved just as much as the one who is smiling...

Heaven would be arriving there and having Jesus put His arms around me and hold me until the tears subside...