Ramblings and Reading

While L was in the hospital overnight a few weeks ago, I noticed how strange it was for him to be gone. The night was lonely and the day made me wonder about what it would feel like in the possibility of losing a spouse because of some mishap in the operating room. And I considered making our marriage better before it became too late. I missed him.

It isn’t like I had never experienced nights without him. Swing shifts allowed for that. I hated swing shifts. I was constantly frustrated with never knowing when to cook dinner, or when to plan on outings together, ad infinitum. The day shift seemed almost normal because I could do dinner at the normal hour. Afternoons were harder because then lunch was his dinner but not really the rest of ours and the evenings were sometimes long. Night shifts were odd because I slept alone and he slept days. Then I became protective of people who wanted to speak to him and I wouldn’t disturb his sleep. These were complicated further by rotating weekends. That had something to do with five days on, two days off, five days on, two days off, five days on, three days off, so that the weekend would end up being Friday-Saturday working its way toward ‘weekends’ of Wednesday-Thursday, etc. Then there would be the 12-hour shifts which rotated 7 am to 7 pm and 7 pm to 7 am with sometimes some sixes thrown in for good measure. Plans generally went out the window to the wind.

That’s nothing new. I often have felt like I was wandering in the dessert in search of an oasis to refresh my parched soul. Or adrift on the ocean without a rudder or compass or oar to steer the way. Like the other half of that often-quoted scripture: “…But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” (James 1:6) Perhaps that has been my problem – I wavereth.
“Waver” – “1. to move one way and the other; sway; flutter. 2. To be uncertain or undecided; show irresolution; vacillate. 3. To show signs of falling back or giving way; falter.” (Std. Coll. Dict.)

Yeah, that would be me as in all my ramblings about church-related issues…Oh, I might as well admit, I’ve been like that a lot in life…

I’ve been reading about Alma, and Moroni, and Helaman. Now there are some unwavering souls! This reading I’ve noticed these fine men and their wisdom and fierceness in defending truth and right. There’s been a familiarity about their stories different from my other readings. I was better able to visualize the scenes, the headplates and breastplates and shields, and the actions. I am grateful I have read so often that the stories have become familiar. I am grateful for these men who wrote their stories for us to be able to read.

I wondered about the chapter after chapter describing their wars. The Nephites fought to defend their liberty and wives and children and freedom of religion. The Lamanites fought to gain power and land and put others beneath them. They never seemed to get it that the Lord was for the righteous causes and against the unrighteous ones. As I read about Moroni fortifying the cities by building up earthen walls and erecting timbers on top of those with towers to view the enemy coming, I began to see and understand what all the war chapters were about.

We are to follow their example in fortifying are homes against the enemy. We are to pray every day as a family; morning, noon, and night if at all possible. We are to read scriptures as a family – not only to read but also to study and discuss and learn. We are to have Family Home Evenings every Monday night. We are to discuss plans and schedule time together. These fortify our families and our homes and protect them from the “fiery darts of the adversary.”
Oh, wouldn’t it be grand to have men like these here today to lead and guide us as they did in ancient times? Oh – that’s right – We DO have men like these here today to lead and guide us through the myriad fiery darts of the world. Just like Alma was a prophet in his day, we have a prophet for our day. Each stands for truth and right and tries so hard to get the people of the Church (and hopefully the people of the world) to hearken unto his words and do what needs to be done to stand and be counted on the Lord’s side. Like Gordon B. Hinckley so eloquently wrote in Standing for Something.

So, all that is needed is to hearken to the words of the Lord as spoken through either ancient or modern prophets. Hearken means to hear and do. In order to hear, a choice needs to be made to listen and to listen intently. Sometimes to hear the still small voice that speaks quietly to our hearts…